I was driving down the road, almost home. About to turn in my driveway when I looked up to see my grandfather standing in my neighbor's front yard. I immediately jumped off the bike and ran over to see him; tears of joy had already filled my eyes. He greeted me with a warm smile. I opened my arms wanting to give him the hug I have been waiting to give to him. But, before I could wrap my arms around him, he stopped me. Keeping that same, gentle smile, he told me I could not hug him. I fell to the ground on my knees, the tears of joy turned to tears of sorrow as I asked him over and over to please let me hug him, just once. I told him how much I have missed him since he has been gone and how just one quick hug would be all I asked for; but still, he would not let me. He told me that he was not actually standing before me, it was just my imagination. I reached out to touch his hand, but once again, he stopped me. "Beth, I'm sorry, you know I am not really here anymore, you are just imagining me. I'm just in your mind. I wish I could let you hug me, but I can't, I'm sorry."
And then, I woke up.
This is the dream that I had a couple nights ago, it was the kind of dream that you don't want to wake up from, no matter how bitter-sweet it was. My grandfather that I saw in my dream is actually only my [step]grandfather. After many, many years of him struggling with depression, my [step]grandfather took his own life; and in December of 2012, he went to meet Jesus.
Why I am telling you all of this?
Because, my grandfather meant a lot to me and I sure did love him a ton. Despite the fact that he was not truly my "grandfather", I still loved him like he was. I used to think of him as a walking encyclopedia. He always seemed to know everything--even the strangest facts. You could ask him anything about sport's stats and not only did he know the answer, he could give you very detailed information about the team or player.
I realize that this still may seem like a strange blog post, but just hear me out, don't stop reading yet.
For 11 years, Mr. Richard, my [step]grandfather, had been apart of my family.
For 11 years, he was my grandfather, and even though he is no longer here on this earth, he is still my grandfather.
That dream was just a reminder of all of that.
I truly believe that the Lord let me have that dream for a reason, because the Lord knows how much I truly miss my grandfather.
Mr. Richard is one of the many reasons I am wanting to pursue a degree in Psychology.
You see, depression is a sickness. A sickness that lasts. In most cases, it can not just be cured over night. The more I learn about depression, the more I truly begin to understand that I can't understand what all thoughts and feelings come with depression . Not even with my own grandfather.
What I can understand is that I want to make a difference. Even if it just a small difference. I pray that I am able to make a difference in the lives of families who have loved ones who are dealing with depression. I pray that I am able to be a friend to someone even if they feel as though no one care. I pray that the Lord will use me to make a difference in this world..a difference for Him.
Even though the loss was painful for me and my family, I do not believe that it was for nothing. I believe that lives will be changed and that people will be changed.
I know for me, my life has been changed thanks to my grandfather's life within our family and my life will continue to change as I continue to learn from his life.
After all, we are reminded that what the devil intends for bad, the Lord uses for good.